Finding time when there is no time

The case for doing less.

When I was in high school, I had a brilliant teacher who my peers and I respected deeply. Although my recollection of the content of his lessons is blurry so many years later, there is one thing I will always remember him telling us, which was that he only slept around four hours a night. I remember thinking he was crazy–how could anyone function with such limited sleep? Why would he torture himself like that?

Now, of course, I get it. There simply aren’t enough hours in a day.

My therapist and family doctor have both been on my case lately (I say that with a deep amount of gratitude for them both). They want me to find time to do things for myself. Things that don’t involve the kids, or the house, or work, or the millions of things on my never-ending to-do list. Things like taking a walk, watching a mindless TV show, meeting a friend for lunch, or painting my nails.

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The pressure of doing things for myself can begin to feel like a burden in itself–something else I have to “figure out.”

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“But there’s never enough time!” I protest, giving them the breakdown of my days involving kid drop-offs and pickups, grocery shopping, tidying, ordering crap, ordering more crap, booking appointments, attending appointments, paying bills, working, writing, eating, all the emails, all the notifications, all the STUFF. How can I take even 10 minutes for me when there’s just so much else that needs to get done?

Of course I know the importance of self-care and that you can’t pour from an empty cup and you need to put your own oxygen mask on first and yadda yadda yadda. It’s easy for me to shout that advice at friends and fellow moms who are similarly burned out. But then why do I find it so unbelievably hard to follow through on my own wisdom?

I’m the type of person that likes to get stuff done. I like feeling productive and accomplished, and I feel guilty and inadequate when I haven’t done “enough”–whatever that is. Besides, isn’t it the expectation that as a mom, I stretch myself as thin as I can, almost to the point of breaking? Isn’t that just the job description and what I signed up for?

“Are there things you’re doing that bring you joy? Something that’s just for yourself?” my doctor asked at our most recent visit.

“Errrr…” I responded, trying to think of something. “Honestly, I’m not even sure what that would look like.”

Have I forgotten what it is I even liked to do before having kids? Yikes.

The pressure of doing things for myself can begin to feel like a burden in itself–something else I have to “figure out.” Something else I have to plan into my schedule. Something else to make me feel like I’ve failed when I didn’t manage to squeeze my 20 minutes of “me-time” into my day.

Celeste Headlee, author of Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving writes:

“Why are we so efficient and yet so overwhelmed? Why are we so productive with so little to show for it?”

These are good questions to ponder, Celeste. And I'd love to read your book… if I could find the time.

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I just got a notification on my phone: “Your device is low on space. Want to free up 45 GB?” I can’t think of a more perfect sign that something has to give so I can free up some space in my own life–space to breathe, to think, to relax, to enjoy. To just be.

I know that, although this is incredibly challenging for me, it’s something I need to do. I need to do it in order to be a better mother. A better wife. A better human. I need to make conscious efforts, however small, to fill my cup. I might not accomplish the thousands of things I want to. But maybe–just maybe–I’ll be a happier, healthier person. And that feels like a worthy trade-off.

The other night, I painted my nails while watching a frivolous TV show before going to bed. It was the first time I’ve painted my nails since before my two year-old was born. They’re already chipped and don’t look particularly great. But we’ve all gotta start somewhere.

I hope this week all of you will take some time to be a little less productive and do less of all the stuff. I know it’s not easy, but we can try it out together. Perhaps there is more joy to be found in simply not doing than most of us realize.

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Stray thoughts 💭

• These tips from Katie’s newsletter are perfect and helpful for when you do actually need to get things done:

  How to focus and get shit done

• Worth reading, especially if you’re on the fence about vaccinating your kiddo: An Open Letter to Parents Waiting to Vaccinate Their Children

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