Bedtime instructions for our imaginary babysitter

You thought all you'd have to do was tuck them in, close the door, and enjoy your night? That's adorable.

Hey, sitter! You’re probably thinking the hard part is over now that you’ve played with the kids, fed them, and made it to bedtime. I’m so sorry to disappoint you, but your job has only just begun.

Please follow the below step-by-step instructions for putting the 5-year-old to bed. You’ll also need to put the older one to bed, but that likely won’t be possible, because the 5-year-old will never let you leave his side. Good luck and godspeed.

1. Bath negotiation

• First, he will refuse the bath. He’ll say, “I promise I’ll do it tomorrow!” Do not be fooled. This is part of the process.

• After some more protest, he will enter the tub and immediately transform into the world’s biggest fan of bath time.

• Give him lots of toys, but not ones that are actually intended for the bath. Why would he want those? He needs only the ones that will likely be destroyed by water.

• There must be bubbles and there must be a lot.

• He will scream when he rubs his eyes and gets bubble bath soap in them and yell at you to give him his washcloth. You won’t be able to find the washcloth because it’s buried and lost forever under the bubbles.

• Remind him to tilt his head back when you rinse his hair, so shampoo doesn’t spill down his face. Rinse as quickly as possible, or he will tire and let his head droop, and IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT when shampoo gets in his eyes.

• When you tell him it’s time to get out, he will cry and beg to stay in. You can remind him that ten minutes ago he was begging not to get in, but this will have zero effect whatsoever.

• Once he stands up, you must wrap him in his towel before any cold air touches his skin. If you mess up this step, he will wail that he is FREEZING and get back in the bath and you’ll need to rinse and repeat.

2. Pre-bedtime stalling

• He will insist on playing just one round of hide-and-seek. This is a trap. There is no such thing as one round. There is no such thing as three rounds. It will never end. Do not fall for this.

• He will ask to watch a music video or a magic trick lesson or some YouTube clip of kids being annoying on your phone. He will say “just for one minute.” It will not be one minute, it will be many minutes while he enters an endless loop of content.

• He will attempt to lure you into watching with him, subtly framing it as if this was your plan all along. Resist the pull of the screen and do not engage.

• He will say he doesn’t need to pee. He does. He will say he already brushed his teeth earlier. He didn’t. You will then be forced to summon your last ounce of creativity to turn basic hygiene into a fun activity, like a backwards bunny hop to the bathroom or a beat-the-clock tooth-brushing competition. Either way, you will lose.

3. Reading time

• If you’ve managed to make it to this point, you deserve a raise, but you won’t be getting one because paying for a babysitter plus a night out is already putting us into debt.

• He will suddenly panic that the reading lamp—securely placed on a shelf above his bed as it has been his whole life—might defy physics and fall on his head. Don’t waste time reasoning. Just move it somewhere else, even if it means you can’t see what you’re reading.

• He will tell you to present him with book options, only to reject every single one with increasing disgust. You’ll tell him to choose what he wants but he’ll insist you have to pick. This will go on until you finally snap and beg him to JUST PICK A BOOK, at which point he’ll miraculously discover the perfect book, which was one from your initial selection.

• He will clearly be falling asleep as you read, his eyelids half-closed, but if you dare suggest actually going to sleep, he will rise like a zombie from his grave and demand you not only finish this book, but begin another.

4. Sleep arrangements

• He must have a very specific group of stuffed animals in bed with him. If even one is missing, he will know and you will be forced to join him on a lengthy search and rescue mission.

• Every stuffed animal must be placed under the blanket so they are cozy. It doesn’t matter if they’re crowding him so he’s forced to the edge of the bed, the stuffies need to be COMFY and warm.

• He will require his fleece blanket on top of his duvet, and then freak out from overheating like a menopausal woman mid-hot flash. But the blanket must stay on.

• Before turning off the light, his nightlight must be on. To get the “right” brightness, turn it up to a level so bright no one could reasonably sleep like that, then carefully dim it when he’s distracted. If he catches you, reset and repeat until you either succeed or lose your mind.

5. The question period

• You will think he is about to fall asleep. You will be wrong. This is when the questions begin.

• He may ask things like:

  • How long does it take to fly to Mars?

  • How many minutes ago did I get home from school?

  • Do you believe in God?

• He will demand real answers, so be prepared. Any sign that you’re making shit up will result in meltdown and/or an onslaught of new questions.

6. Think you’re done? Not so fast…

• You will remember that his older brother a) exists, and b) also needs to go to bed.

• After ensuring the 5-year-old is in a deep sleep, get up and walk SILENTLY to the door. Open the door with surgical precision, and close it without a sound, because if he wakes, you’re starting this whole nightmare over.

FAQs:

Will he sleep through the night?

Absolutely not. And if he wakes up before we’re home, get comfy on the floor, because you’re not leaving his room again.

Will his brother be okay even though I’ve mostly ignored him all night?

TBD. By the time you get to him, he will either:
a) Have fallen asleep reading after growing tired of waiting for you
b) Be sitting on his bed in a silent rage, awaiting his full-length bedtime routine, which you are now too emotionally drained to complete.

Will you ever hire me to babysit again?

If, by some extraordinary miracle, you actually manage to put both boys to sleep before we’re home, you must be some sort of magical child whisperer, and we will never let you leave. For real. You live with us now. Welcome to the family!

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